I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
You Might Also Like
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Always
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts