latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
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Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained