[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
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Can’t, holding a grudge
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber