It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
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[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
mom gave me mine for free
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*