ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
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*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
You got this…
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street