Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
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Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
#dalle2
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation