Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
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My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
(Electricians.)
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Liquor Store Parking
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.