It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
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“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
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Is your wife single?