On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
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Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.