I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
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REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first