my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
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If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.