Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
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Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…