I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
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What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
ME: Cauliflower is bullshit.
EXECUTIONER: Those are really gonna be your last words?
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Just a bush.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…