So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
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Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.