REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
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I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Flock of bats
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My favorite sport ? Lasagna