I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
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I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
January is lasting longer than my marriage
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock