KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
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me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
This is a bad sign
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.