I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
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The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Anyone really
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”