I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
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me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.