I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
You Might Also Like
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no