*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
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don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
$3 #books
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too