Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
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If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
I’m confused about plants
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano