White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
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Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
m’lady
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.