guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
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[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Unimpressed
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Fixed this for Shakespeare
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit