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#NationalGirlfriendDay
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Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no