She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
You Might Also Like
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
New tinder profile pic
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there