I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
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Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I’m going to need a moment here.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
How wrong was this guy?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven