The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
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Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
My sex drive has a dui
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
😅😅😅
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.