Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s