F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
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It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Good morning y’all ☀️
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩