Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
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Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”