The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
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ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations