Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
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My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.