Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
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Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
the trick to parenting is appearing to present a united front with your partner while subtly implying that the other one is really the villain
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks