*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
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The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me: