Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
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Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough