I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
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11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
How do you like your Corgi?
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.