Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
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No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
wish me luck lads
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
🙂🙃🥹
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”