So we got a goldfish…
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Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Wait a minute…
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”