*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
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[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing