Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
You Might Also Like
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
🛁
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
(Electricians.)
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.