When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
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Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍