Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
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Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Jesus steals the winter solstice
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey