My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
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If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire