Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
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Kidney stones? Hard pass
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Dolls on drugs
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
The Wi-Fi is out so I guess I’ll have to go harvest DVDs from the field the way my grandmother used to do.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now