The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
You Might Also Like
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Actually Frankenstein was the name of the scientist. I, the person correcting you on this trivial point, am the monster.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.