*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.