Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
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My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
how to have an accident 101
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.