I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
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Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.