I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
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Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days